Rumble x Malphite : Heartcountered
by Gurpel'sFedora
Summary: Rumble x Malphite


**Rumble-x-Malphite** in: **Heartcountered**

Rumble sat with his chin in his hands and sighed.

He didn't know what he was hoping for when he joined the League. Joining was going to be his big break- he knew that becoming a champion would be his ticket to fame, and wealth, and power, and money.

Well, he had all of those things. But he still wasn't fulfilled. He thought being the most reliable AP-based squishy top laner with the most reliable long-range AoE engage would've enriched his life, but it didn't. As a matter of fact, Rumble kind of felt worse. Now, not only did he get what he sought after all these years, it didn't even make him happy, and he had nothing to look forwards to.

Rumble looked at the other champions in the spawning pool. Kennen and Lulu were doing lines of coke off of an oblivious Cho'gath's tail. He caught himself staring. They looked so happy, with their bloody noses and dilated pupils. Rumble realized that was what he needed in his life. Intimacy.

"BUY-YOUR-FUCKING-ITEMS-BRONZIE." squealed Lulu, flashing out of the spawn to get to lane faster.

Rumble snapped back to reality. "...O-oh. Yeah. Of course."

He strapped Doran's shield onto his trusty mech, 'Tristy', and pocketed his spare health potion, running into lane. Minions had already spawned, and Rumble nearly missed them thanks to his stupid daydreaming.

He kicked his mech into overdrive just to make sure he got there before the first melee minion died. Rumble flipped his goggles down so he didn't get any dirt in his eyes- Tristy was kicking up a vertiable sandstorm.

He got there just in time to fire off a harpoon and secure the first last hit. The sandstorm around him died down, Rumble took a deep breath and collected his bearings- and when he did, he felt all the air leave his lungs.

A rocky fist had collided with his mech and knocked him out of his seat, and onto the dirt. Rumble looked up, and his heart stopped beating. Towering over the creep wave was Malphite, the Shard of the Monolith. The biggest, thickest creature Rumble had ever laid eyes on. His eyes went wide- his fingers clutched at the ground. The strangest thoughts flowed through his head, words caught in the back of his throat- he couldn't make sense of anything, but he knew one thing for certain.

Rumble was unbelievably attracted to Malphite.

He got up to his feet and built up the courage to walk over to him. "H-Hi, Malphite."

Malphite didn't pay any attention.

Rumble felt so small without his mech. Like nobody listened to him. Like nobody cared. The yordle sighed.

_Just be cool, man. Act casual. Be confident. Confidence is super attractive._

"What's up, man!?" Rumble bellowed, leaning on the corpse of an allied minion.

Malphite curiously looked down at him, splintered vertibrae and gore splattered on his hands from his last hits.

Rumble tugged on his collar. Shit. He must've offended Malphite, judging from that look.

"I mean, uh- I guess you're not a man, huh? 'cause of your- being a rock guy, and all. Or, uh. Rock person, as it were, heheh."

Malphite kept staring with the same stony, unimpressed expression. It was only then when Rumble remembered Malphite was made of rock, and couldn't really change its facial expressions.

Maybe he hadn't offended him after all. Malphite quickly turned away and crushed a minion beneath his massive fist, some of the blood splattering on Rumble's jacket.

The yordle frowned. "Uh- so."

_Cut to the chase_ - _Malphite's losing interest._

"You, uh, single?"

Malphite stared back at Rumble.

"...'cause, I mean, that's- weird, ain't it? How like, a guy like you would-" A massive granite hand wrapped around Rumble and hoisted him off the ground, eye to eye with the towering, stone giant.

Rumble's eyes went wide. His cheeks flushed, and he found himself stammering. He was unbelievably turned on by how quickly and cleanly Malphite was willing to initiate, and engage. _Oh god, oh god, play it cool- this is your big shot, Rumble-_

The yordle took a deep breath and relaxed. He closed his eyes and puckered up his lips, sinking into Malphite's stony embrace. It was sort of comfortable. Actually, no. It was solid, jagged rock. It wasn't comfortable at all. Rumble was almost certain he was bleeding and had broken bones, but it was sweet- it was intimate, in a way, the misunderstood giant showing his affection, and tenderness, for Rumble-

Malphite hoist ed a hand above his hand and flung Rumble to the ground like a ragdoll, a shockwave emnating from the point of impact. "HUUUURT." Malphite brusquely exclaimed, Rumble knocked unconscious.

When he came to, he saw Malphite before him. Completely naked. Well, he was always naked, but Rumble had never noticed how firm and toned Malphite's rock hard ass was. Well, he kind of didn't have an ass- but like, the point where his two legs met behind him and his butt totally should be. Yeah. That was hot as fuck.

Rumble wasn't sure why he felt this way- it probably had something to do with the brain damage he'd incurred a few minutes ago. But he was unbelievably turned on, and unbelievably brave- so, he hoisted his ragged body off the ground, and scaled Malphite's leg from behind.

The rock monster couldn't feel it. He didn't even have any nerves in his body. He was made of stone.

Rumble approached his shifting, granite glutes and unzipped his blood-soaked britches with his shaky hands. His arms wrapped around Malphite's waist, and he screamed.

"Time for a Bandle City Meatdown!"

Malphite curious turned his head back to see Rumble aggressively rubbing his tiny yordle weiner on Malphite's jagged back.

Rumble gave it about two pumps before pulling back and screaming "OH MY GOD IT HURTS". He was made of stone. He couldn't put his penis anywhere near Malphite. It was just a fucking dumb, awful idea. His weiner sort of hurt now and he was covered in blood and shaking.

Malphite whispered. "BEAUTIFUL."

Rumble's eyes opened wide. "...wh-what?"

"RUMBLE." he answered.

Rumble slowly let go of those broad hips and let himself drop to the ground.

"You think I'm-" Rumble squeaked. He looked up at Malphite, who couldn't seem to make eye contact. As soon as he did, his eyes darted elsewhere.

"SURE." boomed Malphite.

Rumble smiled. "...do you wanna-"

"HUMP RUMBLE." Malphite boomed.

"...o-okay." Rumble smiled, grinning ear to ear. Aggressive. Malphite really wanted to start something.

Malphite stomped over to Rumble's downed mech and began vigorously thrusting his pelvis against its exposed underside.

Rumble panicked. "TRISTY!" he screamed.

Malphite slammed his smooth, featureless groin against the undercarriage of the robot aggressively, rocking the chasis with every one of his [Brutal Strikes].

"What're you DOING!?" cried Rumble.

"HUMPING RUMBLE." Malphite responded, still pounding the bajeezus out of Rumble's mech.

"I'M- I'M RUMBLE. That's not RUMBLE. I'M NOT THE MACHINE. I'M RUMBLE."

Malphite stared down at the yordle, then back at the machine. It was so beautiful- made of solid, reflective metal, and filled with precious fossil fuels... Malphite's arms tightened around Tristy, grinding his groin against the alloy-clad machine.

"MINE NOW. GO HOME LITTLE MAN."

Rumble's shoulders slumped, and he sniffed. Maybe it wasn't meant to be after all. Heartbroken, defeated, and dejected, he left Malphite and Tristy to carry out their secret, forbidden tryst.

Rumble sat alone at the bar of _Wardless Joe's _where all the top laners hung out_, _sipping from an unlit molotov cocktail.

Kennen hopped up on the seat next to him. "HEYBUDDY. I-heard-about-your-robot." He twitched and wiped his nose, still sniffing.

Rumble shook his head. "...Yeahhhh. At least they're happy together."

Kennen frowned. "WHAT?! Nononononono. No. Malphite-humped-your-robot-til-it-blew-up. He's-dead!"

Rumble blinked. "Oh. I- didn't hear about that." He guessed he'd have to repair his robot back up again. "Did you, uh- hear how Murderbot was destroyed?" He didn't tell anyone he named it Tristy.

Riven was sitting two seats down. "Yeah." She butted in frankly. "Malphite's ejaculate set off the rockets on the back and blew both of them to smithereens. 'cause Malphite jizzes magma."

Vladimir frowned, sipping his bloody caesar. "How do you know that-"

Riven interrupted him. "What're you doing here, anyways? Aren't you a mid laner?"

Vladimir shrugged. "Aren't you?"

Rumble turned back to the ninja as the two came to blows. "Where's Lulu, anyways?"

"She OD'd."

"Oh."

Rumble suddenly realized how at home and comfortable he felt now, just spending time . Maybe that was it- maybe he didn't need a purposeful life, or a productive life - the respect and admiration of his peers or colleagues, or complete superiority to his enemies and adversaries. It wasn't even in falling in love, or being loved - what made life worth living was right here, these moments he had with him and Kennen, in a reckless, short life of brutal substance abuse. Rumble didn't need to be happy, he just needed to get hopped up so often that he didn't _need_ to be happy.

"Wanna do some coke?" Rumble smiled.

"SURE." Kennen beamed.

**The End.**


End file.
